Cake Wars

It was my birthday last week. B made me a cake. It was a  Victoria Sponge. It was probably the best cake I have ever had, which made me happy. But also sad. It was a great success and with four of us, plus a slice for the next door neighbour who is always bringing the children vegan jam tarts she makes specially because she is not vegan, it didn't last long. By the time I thought to get a photo it was gone. 

But that's not why I was sad. It was because I thought I made the best cake. I have made the last few and because of their success and tastiness, I thought I was in charge. But clearly not. Granted, I have never made a Victoria Sponge, I make a chocolate layer cake with vanilla filling but they are comparable.

Neither of us have spoken out loud about it and we are very polite about each other's cake making but I think we have a covert cake war in our house. I believe I'm losing but I'm not going to admit it and maybe I can convince B otherwise.  As with a lot of things in life, you just need a bit of unjustified confidence to pull you through - a bit of swagger. But apart from that tactic, the only thing I have going in my favour as far as I can see is my consistency and B's lack of it. I will follow a recipe to the letter, whereas B will not. She will investigate and experiment so we always have variation and while this worked well for her this time, maybe it won't next time.

I thought about asking our neighbour who has tasted both our cakes. I'll say bluntly, "So is B's cake better than mine then?" If I say it with just the right amount of threat she's not going to say yes is she? 

It's our daughter's birthday next week...

Tips for new or would-be vegans

I have been vegan for more than 15 years and thought that maybe sharing my experiences  might help others who have just become or are thinking of going vegan. I went to a Vegan Fair yesterday, something I haven't done for a while.  I was there a couple of hours and when I left people were still queueing around the block to get in. So many people caring and sharing inspired me to share too, so here goes:

1: Being vegan is a lifestyle, not a hobby, and if you really want it to last make sure you are clear about why you are doing it. For me it's not just about what you eat or don't eat, it's about being able to see the big picture: helping create and maintain a sustainable environment for every living thing on this planet. If your motivation is compassion for animals then that is a great starting point. Go vegan today, keep your ears and eyes open and from this point on you will gradually tune in to everything that is wrong with the world due to human greed and selfishness. You will connect the dots and begin to see things differently and hopefully you will get beyond the "oh but I like cheese" argument. Although whatever reason you have for being vegan is a good one.

2: If you like talking about being vegan, make sure you know what you are talking about, and if you find yourself in deep water during a discussion just be cool, no one likes a smart arse. Remember your argument is water tight, you are just being out manoeuvred by some smart arse. 

3: When you first go vegan, don't eat out for a few weeks, or at least until you know you are not going to slide. You will want to show off your new resolve but until you know exactly what you are doing, don't do it, it could get complicated and you might look like a complete newbie and annoy a lot of people. It is better to be safe than sorry in my opinion.

3b: When you do eat out remember you are an ambassador for all vegan kind. Never cheat when eating out: this is very important. If you are going to cheat, cheat at home on your own. I once ate with my (vegan) partner at a restaurant in which the waiter, when we announced we were vegan, treated us with faintly concealed contempt throughout the meal. He managed to wait until he had show us the dessert menu, from which we chose the sorbet, before launching into his anti vegan story. He had served some vegans just a few days before. They had phoned ahead and given 24 hours notice that they were coming. Rising to the challenge the chef had pulled out all the stops and made them something fancy. All was going well until the dessert course when they announced they didn't want what he had prepared, they were going for the black forest gateau - "just this once" - as a special treat for themselves. You really don't want to be that kind of vegan.

I don't usually tell the place I'm eating at that I'm vegan anymore, I say I have a dairy intolerance and then just avoid anything that might have an egg in it and my partner has what I have. 

4: When you first become vegan and you are cooking at home, keep it simple. You will be tempted by all sorts of amazing dishes, there is a lot of cooking advice out there, but if you go all elaborate you will soon get fed up of holding a ladle in one hand and a iPhone in the other. You need to figure out the basics first. This will vary of course depending on taste but it's a good rule: keep it simple. For instance I have a good wok, a pressure cooker and an oven proof casserole dish. I always have in soy sauce, wholemeal flour, spices and herbs, garlic, fresh vegetables, pasta, rice, pulses and soy milk. I can always whip something up in 15 minutes at a moments notice.

5: Probably goes without saying but make sure you are getting a balanced diet. If you think this might be a problem get some advice. I know some people struggle with a vegan diet, and if you do, my sympathies. You should always put your health first. A vegan diet is a healthy diet if you do it properly.

6 and final: A cautionary tale to entertain as I feel this has all been too heavy: If you want to be a long term vegan, never go out with anyone from Switzerland. My friend was a committed vegan for quite a few years but then, alas, he started going out with a girl from Zurich. He would fly out their quite regularly for weekends etc. Then one day he came back with the faint whiff of cheese. It had been too hard for him. She was a non vegan and was taking him to all the wrong places and laughing at him. It was either that or starve, he said. Unfortunately he is no longer a vegan.

Party Fail

Since our son started school last September there have been a few birthday parties to attend. Because everyone is new and none of them know who their friends are yet the whole year gets invited, which is great, it is good to see him socialise. We had one ourselves. Pirate Pete came along to entertain everyone and then we laid on a ship's banquet. All our party food was vegan. We didn't announce that fact, we just laid it on and nobody commented or even seemed to notice.

Last week our son went to one where parents had to just drop their kids off and leave them to it. It was Pirate Pete's girlfriend. He went, had a good time and then we picked him up. When we got home we asked him what he'd eaten. It was sausages and cake. We had forgotten to mention he was vegan and of course, being five, he just assumed that what he had been given was vegan. We had taken our eye off the ball. As far as I know that was the first time he has eaten anything that wasn't vegan.

I looked at him carefully for any signs of contamination but he didn't look any different. I felt vaguely disappointed. I remember about 10 years into being vegan I bit into and then swallowed a mouthful of meat burger I had been served by mistake. It was years ago but I still remember. I went bright red and broke into a sweat but that was probably guilt.

Will my young son and daughter be vegan when they grow up enough to choose? I hope so, but for the right reasons.

In other news: our two year daughter can't make the "qu" sound yet. She was singing 'The Ugly Duckling' yesterday. It was: "twat, get out, twat twat, get out, twat twat get out of town."

Fish

Don't judge me but I was watching a bit of Come Dine With Me the other day when my two year old daughter stopped in front of the telly just as someone was holding up a sea bass in a fishmongers.

"Wat dat?" she asked. 

"It's a fish", I told her. She sees them in the supermarket sometimes, buried in ice, smelly. We walk on by.

She stood in front of the telly, transfixed for the remainder of the segment, every now and then going: "Where da fish?"

It became less and less apparent where the fish was as the programme went on until what was left of it appeared on various plates.

"There, there's the fish." I told her finally.

She looked at me with her nose all screwed up. She didn't believe me. The fish she had seen had been beautiful. She had lost interest and started rolling around on the floor.

We are a vegan family. There has never been a fish in the house.

Big Cheese

On the sofa the other evening my partner, B, said:

"We have a Big Cheese coming to the office tomorrow. He's over from Texas. He has people in his office running around. He's huge. His head is yay big." 

And then she indicated with her hands something approximately the size of a beach ball. I was overwhelmed with love at this point. B can really make me laugh. She can use words sparingly and effectively and I appreciate that.

It transpires that The Big Cheese is an overachiever. Not only does he run an enormous international company but he's a medical doctor too. And he's got six children. He's a Russian American and had a name that goes in one ear, does a little tap dance and then exits stage right. Overachievers make me puff out my cheeks and expel air slowly while shaking my head at the same time, thinking: "how do they find the time, maybe time works differently for overachievers".

I later thought: "wow, from B's description, I would really be able to pick this guy out at a party". But I guess he is easy because he has distinguishing features. What if I were trying to describe myself to someone? Greying, balding, looks worried all the... wait, I don't like the way this is going, lets try someone else. My mate Steve (the one who owes me the money). I haven't seen him for 20 years, but this is just an exercise so who cares. A black beard, fake looking and flecked with white, bad teeth, bad breath. I'm just sounding bitter now. 

It is impossible to describe anyone accurately so it is important to focus on their distinguishing features. Still, if I were trying to describe someone, who had run off with my wallet, to the police it would be very different from a description of a character I was fleshing out for a story. I could say: "she was pale and had a very long nose", or "her face was very white and the tip of her nose curved upwards and could be the perfect launch pad for any ski jumper". Utility or romance, you have to choose. Which is why I love B when she startles me with tales from the office. 

Nostalgia

1993 or there about, I can remember sitting in a pub with a friend of mine having the Oasis v Blur argument. The same one so many people were having at the time. It was the battle of the Brit Poppers. I was  taking a contrary view from my friend to wind him up as I would do a lot in those days. I didn't really care about either bands although I knew enough about them to make up an opinion.

The friend is gone. I don't know where he is or what he's doing although I could probably find out if I wanted to. Back then I lent him some money and misty eyed he promised he would repay me with interest. I'm still waiting. He came down in the Oasis camp. A socialist of the theoretical kind, the gravelly, druggy, I don't give a shit approach of Oasis as opposed to the more calculating persona that was Blur appealed to his own working man up against it angst and was the spearhead of his argument. I liked him, he was passionate and I believed he believed what he was telling me. He really liked Oasis and I can imagine him still playing the air guitar when Wonderwall comes on in the pub.

I am thinking about all this now because I just noticed that Blur have a new album out and my instinctive thought was "Aaah, Steve, looks like Blur have won the staying power argument", which of course is deadly childish but that is what music can do to you. 

Like Steve was, I imagine Blur's new album will be a big disappointment to me. While I was never that fond of them anyway, I was having a great time in the early 90s and they were part of the background noise but I am not fooled by nostalgia. In those days I listened with glee to the likes of Nirvana, Suede, The Jesus and Mary Chain etc.. I didn't seek these bands out, they found me and I was bopping around the living room on a Friday night with everyone else. But that was then and this is now. Bowie, Dylan, Cohen, all great in the day but you really had to be there. Come back artists are victims of their own past and will always let you down if you remember them the first time around. A bit like my old friend, Steve.

Jesus and Rudolf

It is Easter. My five year old son is stood in the kitchen, his arms stretched out, his fists clenched. 

"I'm Jesus on the cross", he says.

I try to squeeze past but he catches my eye. "I'm getting down by magic."

"I think you'll find it more complicated than that." I am muttering here.

"I'm magic", he says.

I can't help myself. "If you are on the cross you are in a lot of pain and you will die".

"Isn't Jesus magic?" He is very disappointed.

"You will die and then you will come back to life", I offer. "that's pretty magical."

Mercifully he wanders off. 

What are they telling him at school? If I ask him he says he can't remember. I don't know what to say, he's five. I spoke to a friend about it. He said he and his wife are telling their seven year old daughter that some people believe this and others believe that. But then he starts talking about Darwin and how he (Darwin) can't really be bunched together with religious beliefs and that science etc. etc...

This approach didn't really satisfy me. Not for a five year old. I'm just not going to worry about it at the moment.

At Christmas he jumped on my lap.

"Daddy, is Rudolf real? Is he in this world?"

I said, "A flying reindeer? What do you think?"

I think he's still thinking about it.

Humour that flies over his head is going to be my approach for now. What do you think?